Monthly Archives: December 2014

she

believes that her weaknesses and oddities make her vulnerable. They are what she should hide.

They are my opportunity to love all of her… But how many oddities and weaknesses will I love? Which ones are opportunities and which are intolerables?

I hate that this is a balance I consider. I want to feel unconditional love. Pure love. I want fairytale commitment.

I want romance not a negotiation. I want authenticity not alteration.

I’m sorry for the times I’ve let my insecurities about what you do – or don’t do – and how I feel – or don’t feel – make me act. I’m sorry I make it about you. I’m sorry it’s about me and that in some ways it does matter – even though in some ways it doesn’t. This is confusing. That’s ok.

I love that we see each other. We accept each other. We grow together as long as we can.

me versus we

The moment I care, I am vulnerable. I am in danger. Yet I must invest in something. I am a social creature. It is my strength and my weakness.

I care for my life, and that is selfish, but not wrong.

I care for you, and that is selfish, and loving, and uncertain, and confusing.

The gifts you can give me are far greater than the gifts I can give myself. And so I make sacrifices to you. But how much should I offer? How much is safe? How much is prudent? When better to be imprudent? When worse?

This negotiation between myself and ourself feels vulgar.

Even if I knew what you wanted, could I give it to you? How long would you want it? Perhaps I could make myself into what you want. I could become your fetish. Hide myself away from you forever. How much effort will it require to be two people – the one I believe you want and the one I am. How long before I loose the person I am? How long before all that is left is a facade? How many people can I split myself for? How many versions of myself do I need?

Better to show you myself and hope you will love me? But sometimes you won’t. That will hurt. I fear I only have the strength to be one person and become one person. Anyway, the tattered authentic is always more esteemed than the most pristine mock.

belief

One person’s cult is another’s religion.

In my religion, I endeavor to uncover my own ignorance – with the recognition that my ignorance is as infinite as existence. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

In my religion, there is much doubt. Shades of gray let me see the depth of my ignorance. My only holy truth will be kindness, but my understanding of the constitution of kindness may evolve. “Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.” Until that time, if there is that time, I can know no perfection, and I will sate myself with half truths.

If I knew a truth, I don’t think I would be satisfied with it. My spirit would go hungry from it. My search for truth fills the belly of my soul like daily bread.

I was born a child. I live a child. I will die a child. But every day I grow.