Don’t judge me.  I’m doing the best I can.  I’m a man, and nobody seems to be able to tell me what that means I’m supposed to do.

And doing is the one thing everyone does seem to agree I’m supposed to do.  But what?

Be strong. Be sensitive.  Be brave. Be fast. Be athletic. Be tough. Be mine. Be everyone’s.  Be a player.  Be a warrior.  Be a leader. Be a caricature of a God damned archetype that didn’t make sense a thousand years ago when some damn fool came up with it.  Measure up…

To whose expectations?

You want me to go get a job and suck it up and drive on and be miserable and isolated in rooms full of people?

You want me to hold and love and care and be available and listen and share and exactly where do you think I picked those skills up along the way?

I have emotions.  Lots of fucking emotions and the only outlet any of you ever showed me was angry.  Lots of emotions – one outlet.  FUCK!

You do realize that coaches don’t pat you on the back for playing patty cake, right?  Dad’s don’t get all excited when you put on mom’s makeup.  Nobody jumps for joy when you play with dolls… But give another kid a concussion (on the field of course we don’t want to raise barbarians) and you’re a fucking hero.

I WANT TO BE A FUCKING HERO!

I spend the first 25 years of my life getting rewarded over and over and over for being the toughest fastest meanest most flip most uncaring…

I don’t care what anyone thinks of me (but of course I care what everyone thinks of me).

And even as you tell me you want me to be kind and loving and caring and supportive… I know what will happen the second I show my soft spot.

Vulnerable is weak.  Weak is waiting to get hit.  Getting hit hurts. AND I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS WITH ONE OUTLET!

Who do you think I am, man?  You think I rolled out of bed yesterday?  Millions of years of evolution and you think I don’t know that everyone on the planet is gunning for me?  Trying to knock me off of whatever little pedestal I’ve managed to scramble onto.

Why don’t you love me?  FUCK YOU why don’t you love me?  FUCK YOU and you and you and you and you and you.  why don’t you love me?

Trust?

You must be kidding.  I don’t trust anyone.

Go to work. Smile.  Be charming. Go home. Smile. Be charming.

FUCK YOU

Do you know what little boys do to each other?  They beat the hell out of each other.  Do you know how you don’t get the hell beat out of you?  You beat the hell out of someone else.

Go to work. Smile. Be charming. Go home. Smile. Be charming.

What is a man?

I AM SO ANGRY… I am so afraid